Schema Magazine

It happens every year. The New Year looms and people compulsively feel the need to alter their lifestyle. Most of us have done it despite the overwhelming evidence that our resolutions go unfulfilled. For whatever reason, the Near Year instills us with a feeling of empowerment, and the belief that we will succeed in living up to our goals. Then as the months progress, we realize how foolish we were to once again think we could meet such achievements, only to settle back into our old ways. It's both a familiar and unfamiliar feeling every year. And so in honor of this ridiculous tradition, I present Schema's Top 10 List of broken New Year's Resolutions in the hopes that we break the pattern of making these silly promises.

10. Drink less Starbucks
Alright, this might sound odd, but drinking less is a pretty common broken resolution, and in most cases it normally has to do with alcohol. Here in Vancouver, however, it's clear by the amount of mermaid emblazoned cups toted around on a daily basis that we have a real addiction in this city for over-priced novelty coffees. What is it that compels us to spend $5 to get our daily caffeine fix? Does Starbucks put crack in their brew? Is our need to satisfy our desire to be trendy? At any rate, this is a promise Vancouverites aren't going to keep anytime soon.

9. Get a new hobby
Some people think about taking up knitting or maybe collecting stamps, but what's the point? Some people might feel the need to add to their experiences and knowledge, or just think that taking up a new activity will improve their overall self. I for one can attest to the falsity of such a notion, having attempted at one point to take up the hobby of following all of Bob Ross' painting videos, and failing horribly. The lesson here: quit while you're ahead.

8. Watching less TV
We might not all be guilty of this one, but there is an overall theme of either doing more or less of something. Maybe it's not the television that you need to spend less time in front of, but the computer, less time devoted to the Internet, or decreasing your Facebook creeping for a while. I for one watch way too much Food Network - way too much. But I enjoy watching way too much of it, and that's why this is a resolution that will always end up broken.

7. Spend less money on unnecessary items
We are surrounded by novel and yet totally unnecessary things in today's grab and go lifestyle. Those little figurines you attach to your cell phone, disposable razors (ouch), and pretty much anything you can buy at Forever 21. They either fall apart or don't contribute anything substantial to our lives, yet they remain so enticing and we keep coming back for more. I'm just a sucker for flavored lip chap.

6. Ordering less takeout
Sure, there are plenty of easy and fast meals you could make at home, but a lot of us like to leave that kind of work to the pros (you know, the kind of pros that some of us watch for hours on the Food Network). Plus, there's a simple comfort in having someone else cook for you, even if it is a calorie whopping gut bomb. You might tell yourself you're going to lay off the take-out, but don't lie, you know the number to your favorite Chinese place better than your mom's home phone.

5. Going on a diet
This one goes hand-in-hand with ordering less take-out, as our desire to improve our overall diet and general wellbeing drives us to make crazy commitments to foods that we utterly detest. If you deprive your body of things it craves then you're just going to crash hard, gorge on disgusting amounts of food, and you might even end up getting Diabetes like Paula Deen. Whoa, that escalated quickly. Don't let it happen to you.

4. Quit Smoking
This is a pretty popular resolution to make and break. My mom has been making it for the past twenty years to no avail - once she even bought one of those fake cigarettes that actually lights up and produces smoke. I'm going to assume that she got it confused with a real one and thought she was putting in a really solid effort. It's sort of expected that you won't keep this resolution, especially here in Vancouver where there's something just as popular as cigarettes to smoke.

3. Go to the gym
This is definitely at the top of most people's resolution list and probably near the top of most broken too. It's also probably one of the easiest to get out of, with excuses like "I don't have the time," or "a membership just costs too much," and "I think the guy on the Skymaster is stalking me." Save yourself the sweat and just stop making this resolution.

2. Indulge in less Jersey Shore
Reality TV and gossip magazines in general could create their own category, but with the phenomenon that is Jersey Shore, I thought it deserved its own place. There's just something about Snookie's hairdo, the orange glow of the cast's complexion and seeing broads getting punched in the face that makes it hard to break free from their ridiculous world. If anything, since New Year's resolutions are about self-improvement, watching more Jersey Shore could be a positive thing, since it genuinely makes you feel better about your own life in comparison.

1. Lie less
We all lie, even if it's just a little white one, it still counts. "Oh, sorry professor, I'm missing that assignment from two months ago because I didn't hear you ask us to hand it in". Yeah, it's totally fine for me to have another crème puff, because I walked to the kitchen today. In fact, this resolution is ultimately tied to all of the others because half the time you're lying to yourself about your ability to keep these promises. So let's be honest, actually abide by this one, and stop making these pledges. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some Food Network that needs watching.